If a snake ate a cake
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.