sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.