*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.