So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
good work, detective
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.