My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Succinctly put.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
fired
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Lmfao
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Yes, but it was never about money
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”