Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
same energy
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?