Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
#SuperBowl
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science