As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
You Might Also Like
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Attention children:
Mom is closed.