me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
In banana years, I am bread.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
6: are snakes just neck?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.