A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!