The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.