My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
This will teach them to underestimate me