I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
iPhone X
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I feel attacked.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?