my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”