It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
You Might Also Like
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.