*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You Might Also Like
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.