My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.