No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”