If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
How all things should be taught/explained.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit