Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You Might Also Like
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I created you as mosquito food.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
when dads have a rap battle
Is….Is this an option?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.