You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
You Might Also Like
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof