As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison