Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”