[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Still my favourite meme.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel