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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*seductively eats two tums*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*