me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
i wish we could shoplift online
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget