Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point