Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.