[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism