*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Remember folks 😂
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.