Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw