Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.