boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
relationship goals
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera