I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog