INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.