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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Beware of fowl play.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.