My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”