Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.