[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.