My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.