You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.