HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off