Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”