you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Our lord and savoury.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.