Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Not my job 😂
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here