Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?