When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep