The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
translated into Canadian
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”