I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Maths meets science
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i actually laughed 😩
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit