“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dietest Coke
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured